Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, please.
Your attention.
I think you all know our guests of honor today.
Our great congressman, Jeff Johnson,
and Vera Johnson, his lovely and gracious wife.
Many of you know that Jeff is now completely recovered from a triple bypass operation.
Doesn't he look great?
I never felt better.
Before I turn the floor over to the congressman, I'd like to thank my old friends,
Mr. And Mrs. Zeke Bridges, for the use of their wonderful, lovely home.
Thank you, Zeke.
Now, sirs, ladies and gentlemen,
- In the 20 years of the great... - Som-bitch!
Well, seems like a host's work is never done.
Now, in the 20 years...
that the Honorable Jefferson Davis Johnson has been our representative in Congress...
Excuse me. Pardon me. What do you say, Pete?
Excuse me.
- Utilities, pharmaceuticals... - Pardon me. Hi, Malcolm.
One bourbon sour straight up with extra orange,
and one gibson, no onion,
and two white wine spritzers and a Lowenbrau.
Allow me to light your cigarette for you. Hold this for me, sir.
The way your hair matches your eyes, I don't know how I can control myself.
Excuse me, I'll get those drinks.
I can't believe that you're Inga. You don't look Swedish.
You're so different from your picture.
That wasn't me on the TV,
but that sure was me on the telephone.
You want me to prove it, Zeke?
You told me that you want me to tie you up and beat you with...
My God, Inga, that was on the phone.
I never thought you'd be in my house. You've got to get outta here.
But you told me you wanted me! You told me to quit my job.
And now, honey, here I am.
- Not now, waiter. Please! - Don't worry about a thing. I'll handle this. You!
Bag on the floor, hands in the air. Do it!
Sergeant Brown, vice squad, undercover operations.
- I know who you are, dirty pig! - Shut up! You're under arrest.
- My God, what's goin' on here? - Sir, you've been the target of a ruthless gang of con artists.
It all started when you called the "Girls of Many Nations" party line.
It's 1-900-phone-sex?
You put it on your credit card instead of your phone bill...
'cause you didn't want your wife to see it, right? Big mistake.
The gang used your credit card number to find out everything they could about you.
It's the gang's M.O. to wait until the victim's having a big party...
and will do anything, pay big money, to avoid embarrassment.
Embarrassment? Som-bitch!
This goes beyond embarrassment!
A hundred of my very best friends paid a thousand dollars apiece...
to have a drink with Congressman Johnson.
Not to mention the fact my wife is probably looking for me right now.
That is exactly what their evil scheme is depending on.
In fact, any second now, a huge Latino man's...
- Gonna burst in pretending he's an outraged husband. - Inga!
- What're you doin' with my wife? - Senor...
- It's okay, Alice. - My friend, rum and coke.
Don't let anyone else in, please. Thanks.
- Did he touch you? - I got your rum and coke.
There's your rum and coke, and she can drink it with you!
Hey, i callate la boca.
I callate la boca ahora! I ahora asi!
Now you see how they were gonna plan to con you outta your money.
But I know better, 'cause I know you're a courageous citizen.
- And I know you're gonna testify. Yes, you're gonna testify. -
- I can't testify. - Sure you can. All you've done was phone sex.
- A lot of people have done that. - He wanted me to tie him up...
and spank him with a wet garter belt.
- No, no, not me. No, no. - Excuse me.
That is between the fantasy hostess and the freak. I don't even wanna hear it.
- "Freak"? - Hey, poppy.
I got a tape in the car. Eight-track or cassette. You wanna hear it?
- No, no! No, no! Thank you very much. - Sir, please.
They're trying to intimidate you by telling you that they have an audio tape of you freaking on...
Did you think you were gonna intimidate him? You're not intimidating him.
He's going to testify, because his family may not know he's a freak,
but he's been married 20, 30 years. His wife knows he's a freak.
"Freak"? Sergeant Brown, I have to talk to you in private, please.
Mr. Bridges, I can't leave the suspects by themselves.
Well, let's, lock 'em in the crapper.
Okay, come on. Move in the bathroom.
Come on, man, move it. Come on!
Hey, hey! Vamonos, muchachos, goddamn it!
Now you've all met my legislative assistant, Kimberly.
Kimberly and my fine staff, along with myself,
will be available to you 24 hours a day.
I'm proud to be your man in Washington.
I plan to keep goin' back as long as you keep sendin' me.
Please listen, Sergeant.
- I'm the chairman of a large, conservative insurance company. - I know that.
I know your chief, Sergeant Brown. Help me and you'll be Lieutenant Brown.
Just get these people the hell outta here quietly.
Mr. Bridges, I know these people. Okay?
If you let them go, they're just gonna blackmail you.
I don't care. What do they want?
- Goin' by their other victims, it costs like $5,000. - Okay.
That's 5,000 each, you know.
Okay.
You know there's four people in the gang.
- Twenty thousand dollars? - See, that's what I'm tellin' you.
- I think you should testify. - No, I can't.
- Please put your money away, sir. - Look, it's...
It's just that I don't have that much cash. I've only got $12,000.
- And there's four people in the gang. - Wait a minute.
- My rolex. - Mr. Bridges, no. No, no, no. Please, sir.
No, it's worth $10,000.
Mr. Bridges, I don't wanna take your watch, I don't wanna take your money.
- Besides, they don't want a watch. They want cash. - Take the damn money!
Take the watch, please! Get them outta here and get that tape.
You know this goes against my every principle.
Darlin', don't you look wonderful.
Glad to see ya. Nice to... Hey, how's that knee?
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Inga will miss you! Bye-bye.
What are you doin'? I gotta go get the tape.
I don't want you to give them the money until I get the tape in my hand.
Come with me.
Chief!
By golly, am I glad to see you.
I'm sorry I'm late. I had an emergency.
You know Sergeant...
Where'd he go?
Sergeant Brown, the vice squad.
We don't have a vice squad.
You don't have a... Som-bitch!
Waiter, where's my bourbon sour?
You must think I'm Kareem. I'm Jamal.
He stiff you on your drinks too? He fired.
Kareem! Wait right there. Kareem, where's this woman's drink? This woman's thirsty!
- I've always enjoyed the time we've spent together. - Thank you.
Why don't we sit down over here?
Olaf, I'm thinking of retiring from Congress.
You can't retire. You just promised all these people you're gonna run again.
That was a political promise. You know better than to believe that.
Zeke, come here. Listen to this.
Have you all seen a waiter come through here?
No, I haven't, but, Zeke, I need your help. Hey!
- What's got into Zeke? - Damned if I know.
Listen, Jeff, you know you got the best job in the world, don't you?
You get to go hunting, fishing, skiing and golfing.
The best resorts. Then you get to call it, "official business,"
And, Jeff, you know there's no aphrodisiac like power.
Are you tired of having the most beautiful and intelligent women in this country?
The joy's gone out of Congress, Olaf.
No, that perks thing was the last straw.
And who needs the aggravation? Life's too short.
Yeah, well, look, Jeff. You can't retire.
If I retire this year, I get to keep $1.3 million...
that's left in my campaign fund.
It's called "the grandfather loophole."
All right, Jeff. I got it. Come here.
There's this small software company that's about to go through the roof.
Now, what you do, you buy a few thousand dollars worth of stock options.
It's gonna bring in a half a million dollars easy. That's just for openers.
If you put it like that, I suppose I...
have a duty to continue my career in public service.
"Duty"! You're something else, Jeff.
I am definitely in the wrong business.
- Som-bitch! - Well?
- Som-bitch! - Yes!
I love it!
Kimberly!
Congressman!
Kimberly, you're so good! Yeah!
God! I got a cramp!
I got a cramp. It's okay, don't stop. Don't stop!
Yeah, yeah! God, yes, yes!
- Kimberly! Yeah! - Congressman!
- Now, now! Yeah! My God! - Congressman!
My God! My...
My God!
It was my honor...
to serve with Jeff Johnson in Congress for a generation.
No one was a better legislator, a better husband.
We're gonna miss him. But we are grateful that his passing was peaceful.
The consummate public servant,
working late into the night at his desk.
- Thank you. - Vera?
- Let me talk to you for a minute in here. - Excuse me.
Now...
I know that, you're still in shock over Jeff's passing,
- But we need to talk about his seat. - We do?
I would like for you to announce that you're gonna run for Congress.
With your name, you can't lose.
Mrs. Jeff Johnson would win in a walk.
Dick, I've been a Washington wife for 20 years.
I think that's enough bullshit for one lifetime.
I'd help. I'd be running the office night and day.
I'm sure you would, dear. But I couldn't give you...
the same kind of job satisfaction Jeff gave you.
How did I end up with a thief for a grandson?
Hey! Aha! Hey, thieves steal.
I con, all right? It's different. I'm an artist.
I'm a con artist.
- Hey, look! There's the new ad. - Hey.
I am Inga. I am here from Sweden.
And I'm so lonely.
I need a man, and so do my girlfriends.
Maria, my hot-blooded Spanish friend.
Babette, zee Parisian pussycat...
- And many others. - I hope you sprain your lips from doin' this.
- I hope your lip muscles freeze up. - We take all major credit cards.
So call the Girls of Many Nations at...
What do you think of my accent, Grandma?
Very, very good. Hey, hey.
Thank you for calling "Girls of Many Nations" party line.
For hot-blooded Italian wildcats, press one now.
For perky American cheerleaders, press two now.
For a busty Swedish love goddess, press three now.
Another customer for Inga.
Don't you dare talk to that man!
Hello, this is Inga.
Hello, Paul. How are you?
Tell me, Paul, do you have Mastercard?
If you don't hang up that phone, I will flush it down the toilet!
No, Paul. Call me later, please.
What's the matter with you? This is my business.
You are not only a con man, you get your cousin Loretta...
- To help you by talkin' dirty? Shame on you! - Granny!
You mad 'cause you can't show my picture around the pool no more, Grandma?
Of course not.
Look what these arthritic hands have been doin'.
Don't "What are you "-ing"?
Thomas Jefferson Johnson. Why you keep usin' my middle name?
It sound like a tap dancer or somethin'.
Make me proud of you, Thomas. Make me proud of the name you carry.
I'm Ned Grable, Vice President and General Manager of WFL.
We think Mrs. Jeff Johnson did the right thing...
in not running for the congressional seat left vacant by her husband's death.
Jeff Johnson's name may still be magic,
but it'll take more than the magic of name recognition...
to solve our region's problems.
I'm Ned Grable.
Name recognition.
Lordy, what a notion.
People would have to be some kind of boobs...
just to vote for somebody because their name was Johnson.
I remember once back in Georgia. They even elected a dead man.
His name was still on the ballot and...
folks were just used to voting for him.
Okay. Bye-bye.
My friends, I wanna tell y'all about a town...
where the streets are paved with gold.
I'm talkin' about a town where the marks will take you to dinner after you fuck 'em.
I'm talkin' about a place that, when they run outta money, they just print some more.
In this town, a cat bounced 900 checks, didn't even have to go to jail.
- You mean "Las Begas." - No, not "Las Begas."
No, honey, he's talkin' about Washington, D.C.
l... You all ready for this?
I am running for Congress.
- What is this, a joke? - What's the con, T?
Yeah, I don't get it, man.
- Yo, man, Van Dyke. - Yeah.
- You remember Willie Sutton? - My hero.
What did Willie Sutton say when they asked him how come he robbed banks?
- That's where the money is. - Exactly.
Washington, D.C. That's where the money is.
Listen, I have been doin' some research. I've been to the library.
- - Why you laughing? Congressmen, when they get elected,
they get $130,000 a year. That's their base salary.
But then they have these things called "PACs." Okay, political action committees, right?
Then there's these lobbyists. The lobbyists' whole point in life is to buy you off.
They buy you off and it's totally legal.
It's the con of a lifetime, and I know we can do this shit.
Who "we," white man?
Us! We! Us! If I get elected, I gotta have a staff.
I'm gonna get a staff allowance. It says here that new Congress...
- You get a staff allowance of $537,000. - Ooh!
- Damn! - Senor!
I get that kinda cash, I'm splitting it up with my homies and my homette.
How exactly are you gonna get your butt to Congress?
Yeah, T. Why the hell would anybody vote for you?
It's not like they're voting for me. They're voting for name recognition.
The congressman here was Jeff Johnson.
My middle name is Jefferson, last name is Johnson.
Cut off the Thomas, shorten the Jefferson,
Jeff John... nobody knows that their congressman is dead.
Who knows that Jeff is dead? He's a congressman. Who cares?
If I get on the ballot as Jeff Johnson, nobody's gonna know.
Well, how you gonna get on the ballot?
That's where you all come into play.
My friends, I need,
I need, 5,625 signatures.
I knew this "we" shit had a catch.
Hey, man, you all got a better plan?
I do.
Who are these "Silver Foxes"? Old people who just like to vote?
It's a political party. The big thing is, they got their own line on the ballot.
They already got the signatures.
- May I help you? - Good afternoon.
- We have an appointment to see Hattie Rifkin. - Right.
You wanna talk politics? Talk.
We was wonderin', who you gonna run for Congress this year?
The usual sacrificial lamb.
Probably Sylvia Roland. She just lost her husband.
She needs to meet new people. Why?
Miss Rifkin. I'd like to run on the Silver Foxes' ticket.
I believe and care about you and your issues.
That's what my son says, but does he call?
What makes you think a group of alter kakers...
is gonna support a man who hasn't clipped his first nose hair yet?
Because I can win.
No, no. A Republican can win. A Democrat can win.
A Silver Fox can only make a symbolic point.
Mrs. Rifkin, if you get me on the Silver Foxes' ballot line,
- And if you give me the support... - Lf, if.
And di bubbeh volt gehat baitzim, volt zi geven a zeyde.
But got haste oykh cane naar nit zine.
What's all this?
She just said that if my grandmother had balls, she'd be my grandfather.
And I told her that God never told nobody to be stupid.
Where the hell did you learn to speak Yiddish?
I learned it from Morris Elfbein, da gin king of Miami Beach.
He taught me that and he also taught me...
you don't always have to have the best cards to win the hand.
Maybe not in gin, but in politics, young man, you need money to win.
You need a name to win. You need...
- I do have a name. - What, you're an athlete?
- You're not on MTV, are you? - My name is Johnson.
Jeff Johnson. The name you know.
Jeff Johnson?
Well, that's a name even our Alzheimer's group will remember.
I'm not quite sure I understand, Professor Franklin.
You did your doctoral thesis on my husband?
Yes, Mrs. Johnson. Your husband was a very great man.
He did so much to help my people.
I remember the time he said that welfare is a drug...
and you have to kick it like cold turkey.
And at the time, I was on welfare and I did just that.
It inspired me to get on with my life. Very inspirational.
Yes, well, really, I'm sure if he were alive...
I was actually in the audience one day when he looked out and he said,
"If you people'd just get off your dead asses and go look for work,
maybe America can be a decent place to live in again."
That inspired me. My God, it made me move my ass.
And I have a poster of that on my wall,
and I show it to all my relatives and friends and Negroes.
Really, well. It's kind of you to come all the way from... Where was it?
The Wilson Pickett State, Teachers' College, ma'am.
But I didn't just come here to pay my respects to your husband.
I came here because, because your husband deserves an archive...
where students can study his legacy.
- So you want his papers. - Not just his papers, ma'am.
I would like all buttons and posters and bumper stickers...
and all the campaign paraphernalia you can spare, ma'am.
I know you may have a sentimental attachment to a lot of these things and you...
- Take 'em. - Pardon me?
Take 'em all. Do you want the wedding photos too?
- I don't know if I think that's necessary. - That's lucky.
So you won't have to go rooting around in the garbage.
You're in pretty good shape for a professor.
Do you work out?
Why, yes. Do you?
Why, yes.
Are you sure you don't wanna come to Washington with us, Homer?
No, I got a business to run.
Bye-bye.
Hello. Who?
League of Women Voters. No, Mr. Johnson will not attend the debate.
No, I'm sorry, Betty. I cannot tie up this line. Thank you.
Hello?
Star-Ledger. No, we're fresh out of photographs of Mr. Johnson.
No, you can't. He's just had surgery for a deviated septum.
Yeah, thank you.
Hello?
Ja, this is Inga.
Cast your vote for Jeff Johnson.
Good old Jeff, the name that you can trust.
The name that you know. Jeff Johnson.
Why you no vote Jeff Johnson? He the name you know.
Go down vote for Jeff. Jeff Johnson, the name you know.
Hey, you, eatin' the greens, and you on the corn bread.
Put that down and cast your vote for Jeff Johnson, the name you know.
You know it's good. Jeff is good, just like them greens. Jeff and greens.
When you think greens, think Jeff Johnson.
In this meshugeneh world, you wanna vote for Jeff Johnson.
I don't know why I gotta drive through here and tell you this. You should know who to vote for.
Put a vote in for Jeff because he's a good person.
What, are you crazy?
We're not gonna show you Jeff Johnson waving a flag,
and we're not gonna show you Jeff Johnson kissing babies.
We're not gonna show you Jeff Johnson doing anything because you already know...
what Jeff Johnson can do.
Tomorrow, vote Jeff Johnson, the name you know.
- That sound white enough? - That was very white.
Yeah. That's chilling, actually. Almost scared myself.
Fantastic.
Tomorrow, vote Jeff Johnson, the name you know.
Who do we vote for for Congress?
- Don't we always vote for Johnson? - That's it, Johnson.
If you're just joining us, our exit polls project that in Florida,
an unknown independent candidate, whose sole asset appears to be his name,
may just possibly win a slim victory.
Is that him? Is that him?
Patricia, I believe that Congressman-Elect Johnson has just arrived.
Excuse me, please. Coming through.
We need to get through, please.
- Come on. Come on. - Coming through. Thank you.
Congratulations!
Wait a minute. Wait a minute!
Hey! Hey, thank you!
Thank you so much! People,
we ran a positive campaign.
We campaigned on the issue.
The issue is change.
Change for the future.
The people have spoken!
Ask not what your country can do for you.
You have nothing to fear but fear itself.
If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.
Live free or die.
And in conclusion, read my lips.
Mira, mira, mira.
The promised land.
Continental flight 228 to Chicago...
Congressman Johnson. Congressman Johnson, Arthur Reinhardt.
You don't remember me.
- I was Congressman Johnson's administrative assistant. - Yes.
I Fed Ex'ed all that material to you down in Florida.
Yeah, yeah. Well, you know.
You look just like I thought you would look.
You see his little wing-tip shoes on?
I... Thank you.
Congressman, I hope you don't think I'm outta line for meeting you here.
I just thought you might need help with logistics, settling in at your hotel.
Since you didn't make it to the Harvard seminar for freshmen congressmen,
I took the liberty of putting together a set of their papers for you.
Thank you for your initiative, but I gotta admit to you, I've never been much of a student.
But you can brief my staff on that, you know.
Staff, what hotel are we staying at?
- You book the hotel? - No. Talk to him.
- You book the hotel? - What hotel?
Nobody told me about no damn hotel.
Is, staff...
obviously failed to nail some vital details, so...
Geez, the world bank's in town.
Where we gonna find you a room?
Hey, I kick your ass.
You have to be firm with the staff sometimes.
Continental flight 228 to Chicago O'Hare is now...
I got lucky at the Hay-Adams.
- There was a coup in Uruguay. - Que?
- What? - Uruguay.
Anyway, their delegation just checked out.
You're a wizard, Reinhardt, and I knew we could count on you. Let's go.
- Hey, you got that? - Yes, sir.
Careful with that bag.
Don't throw it in there like that. I paid too much for that bag.
- Say, Congressman? - Yo.
I'd like to ask you something.
I would appreciate it if you would consider me to be your A.A.
That's very nice of you. That's a very decent gesture.
But yo, man, listen. I'm a social drinker.
I don't really hit the bottle very much.
Yeah, yeah. No, no.
administrative assistant.
- As you know, I used to work for Congressman Johnson.
And I would like to work for you, Congressman Johnson.
So it would be sorta like an affirmative action sorta thing.
Only kidding. I got your resume. I'll call you, okay?
- I'll look forward to hearing from you? - Look forward to talking to you.
Ooh, baby!
Congressman Corman's office.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
- Members only. - We're going up to Congressman Johnson's office.
I hate to be the one to tell you, but Congressman Johnson died.
I'm the new congressman. I'm Congressman Johnson and this is my staff.
I'm sorry, Congressman. I didn't see your pin.
In fact, I still don't see your pin.
- What pin? - Your member-of-Congress pin.
- I'm gonna have to look you up. - I'm in the book under Johnson. Thomas Johnson.
Congressman.
Thomas Jefferson Johnson.
- Yeah, I'm the man. - No picture available.
Wait a second. I have my driver's license with me. Got a picture in late.
Here it... If I can get it out.
Driver's license.
See? Same cat.
How could I ever have doubted you? Where to?
We're going up to 518.
Well, the elevator only goes to four. You'll have to take the stairs from there.
Are you gonna be grabbin' my ass like old Congressman Johnson?
No. I would never grab your ass.
Well, you said that awful fast. What's wrong with my ass?
There's nothing wrong with your ass.
I'm just, you know, I'm just, what, I'm, I'm the new congressman,
and I won't be doin' none of those things he did.
I ain't gonna grab nobody's old ass. I mean, I ain't gonna grab nobody's ass.
You know? Hey, I think we on the fourth floor.
I'll grab it.
Stairs are to the right. Enjoy.
Later, baby.
Wait here a second.
Good morning, Congressman.
What is this shit-hole? Look at this place. What is this?
Um... you missed the freshman lottery for offices.
They assign them by draw.
You didn't show for the draw, so you got the worst office in Congress.
What lottery? I missed a lottery?
It was all in those briefing books I mailed you.
What else have we missed here?
Are you hiring me, Congressman?
- It's a shakedown. - Excuse me?
Ho-ho-ho! You're shaking me down, aren't you?
Okay, I'm gonna love this town.
Okay, I've been here five minutes and you're already shaking me down.
All right, you're hired.
Listen, fill me in on everything 'cause I don't wanna miss the good shit.
- Let's go meet the natives. - Yeah.
Can you be a little more elegant than that?
Shakin' your ass and shit.
Hey, how ya doin'? Thomas Johnson.
Rafe Simon, freshman from Tulsa. And this is...
- Bo Chandler from... - Lufkin, Texas.
Great party.
You're Jeff Johnson, the guy from Florida.
Yeah, that's me.
You know, the rest of us were out there on the campaign trail,
raising money, kissing ass, making speeches, dragging our butts from place to place.
And he slides in on pure name recognition.
Let me tell you something, Jeff.
Fuckin' brilliant!
I thought I was gonna have to kick somebody's... Okay. Hey, no, I'm sorry.
Thanks a lot. And don't call me Jeff.
Jeff is my working name. My name is Thomas, and this is my cousin, Miss Loretta.
How do you do? How do you do?
What were you guys before you got elected? Lawyers or something?
Hey, no. I did morning weather and traffic for KTOK in Tulsa.
You don't remember me?
Tight end for the Oilers? My knee gimped out on me?
Yes! Hey, man. I was wonderin' what happened to you.
- Why don't you stop by my reception? - Yeah, but don't go...
to his reception before you go to my reception.
I'm gonna be offended if you don't come by my reception.
- Okay. - Okay.
I guess you're gonna have to have a reception.
Yes, I guess we'll have to have something.
Shit, I don't know nothin' about no reception.
You know what I love about this town? The way everybody call you a member.
Every time I hear that, it make me think about Mister Happy.
Hey, hey!
Watch them sprinklets, man! He's laughin' and piss shootin' everyplace.
I got a sprinkler too now. Back at ya!
All right, then.
- Mike Hoyt, lowa. - Thomas Johnson, Florida.
So how'd you wind up in D.C., lowa? You do the crop report on TV or somethin'?
No, actually, I owe it all to the Vietnamese.
You're a war hero.
P.O.W. When I got back to Cedar Rapids,
I spent so many years telling the Rotary Club what was wrong in Washington...
they finally told me to either put up or shut up. Ha!
So I put up, and here I am.
What are you talkin' about? What's wrong with Washington? Washington's great!
Come on. We got acid rain killing fish and nobody's stopping it.
There's topsoil being washed away. No erosion programs.
- Why, there's chemicals in the livestock that... - We might have some luck.
My God, I sound like a boy scout.
No, actually, that's nice. This town could use a few geeks like you.
- Hi. - Pete Slocum, Asbestos Information Institute.
How are ya, Pete? Nice to meet ya.
Ken Korngold, National Distilled Spirits Association.
- Very good to meet you, Ken. - Nice to meet you.
- Paul Zeckhauser, American Tobacco Council. - How are you, Paul?
I hope you can all come to my reception. You know Miss Loretta from my office.
- Hi. Hello. - Terry Corrigan.
Soon as I saw how you got elected, I knew you were a real comer.
Hell, I bet Olaf Andersen voted for you.
I don't know. Who's Olaf Andersen?
Won't tell him you asked. Fella on the left up there.
Chairman, Gulf Coast Power.
Constituent of yours, client of mine.
Pays the rent, know what I mean?
Say, could I host a "welcome to Washington" fund-raiser for you,
down at my law firm on K Street?
- Absolutely. - At $500 a head,
you could pick up 20, 25 grand to help you get started.
And how much of that are you gonna get?
It doesn't come off the top.
Down the road, I'll bill each of them 500 an hour whenever I take you to lunch.
You know, Terry, you and I are gonna be so close.
I wanna welcome the new members to Washington.
We haven't had a freshman class this big in a long time.
Well, Congress needs your new blood, and you in turn are gonna need new friends.
That's why, tonight, we unite the two great pillars of our system.
Political and financial.
Now, you know, Congress has taken many hits of late.
But, Congressmen, look around you.
The people you see here tonight are the ones that have stood behind us.
And they are the ones that will be invaluable to you in your next campaign,
which I might remind you is less than two years away.
Now this is our system of checks and balances at its very finest.
Dick Dodge, from your home state. Gonna run for speaker.
Raises more money than any other member.
But, of course, he's on the right committee,
- Which makes all the difference. - Yeah, of course.
But I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.
No, he's on the right committee, so I guess that makes all the difference.
Not just on the committee. He's chairman of it.
The big boys have to line up to take numbers...
to throw money his way.
- Your friends can always call on you. - No shit.
Thank you very much.
Mr. Johnson?
You know, it's customary for the new members...
to pay a visit on us old fogies in the leadership, especially from your home state.
Well, I would have, but I just got in town. I'm sorry, man.
You know, you can make up for it by having a nightcap with me.
- Absolutely. - Can I have my car take you home?
Excuse me, Mr. Chairman,
but you ain't about to start no homo shit, are you? 'Cause I ain't with it.
Hey.
No! But that's good thinking, Thomas. I'm impressed by your instincts.
I didn't wanna have to whup your ass.
You know what I mean?
Tell me, Mr. Johnson, why'd you come to Washington?
Well, of course, it's an opportunity to do something for my country, and...
Now let's just cut the bullshit.
I saw how you got elected.
Now flukes like you are either nut cases or troublemakers.
I just wanna know which one I've got on my hands.
Why did you run for Congress?
- No bullshit? - No bullshit.
We got this whole topsoil problem...
and, acid rain is killing cattle.
What? Yes? What? What?
- What? - Einhardt! Wake up!
What is the name of that committee Dick Dodge is chairman of?
- Congressman, this is a surprise. - Come on, man, spit it out.
What's the name of the committee?
Come on, come on, come on. What is it?
Power and Industry.
- Is something wrong with the hotel? - No.
Tell me about this Power and Industry. I heard it's really good.
- This is a good thing, right? - Yes, they call it "the honey pot."
Each member is constantly being lobbied by every cash-rich trade group in town.
It's 2:40 a.m. Did you realize that?
Man, forget that! We're public servants.
Time ain't supposed to mean nothin' to us, right?
- How do I get on this committee? - Um, that would be seniority.
After six terms in office,
say, 12 years of service,
your name moves along the list and before you know it,
you're off the Fisheries committee and on to Power and Industry.
- Can this wait? I'm much more coherent in the morning. - No, you're doin' fine.
But I need to know how I can get on this committee, like, immediately.
Okay, okay. All right, all right.
Immediately. Immediately.
- Within, say, your next four years? - No, no, no, no.
Immediately, like in my first four days.
Now you're a smart guy. That's why I hired you.
You might be standin' here in these fire engine boxer shorts,
but I have faith in you. I'm countin' on you.
- Talk to me, Reinhardt. - Yes, thank you.
I don't think it's possible, sir.
It would be unprecedented for a freshman congressman...
to be put onto that committee.
Unless...
Well, only in the most remote,
hypo... hypothetical situation.
Yes?
- This is ridiculous, right? - For instance?
Well, if the, President of the United States...
were to do you a personal favor.
Or, some enormously powerful special interest group.
Chairman Dodge, please.
Will you tell him that it's Mr. Joshua Benjamin from the NAACP on the line?
No, ma'am, actually, you'll be of a great deal of help.
I have a few minor questions. I would like to know...
how many members of the chairman's committee are African-Americans.
None. Well, I'm sure you have a Latino member on the committee.
No Latinos either.
Does the chairman have any Asians or any Native Americans on the committee?
No Asians and no natives.
Does the chairman have any handicaps or gays on the committee?
No gays. Well, you've been of a great deal of help.
Just forget I even called. Just tell him I said hi.
Okay, um, Armando, Van Dyke, you guys are up next.
I'll go hit 'em with the Urban League right away.
Fine. And I'll be the conference of Southern Baptist Bishops.
What do you want me to do?
Hi. We haven't met yet.
I'm Loretta Hicks. Congressman Johnson's office?
Hi. I'm Kimberly Meadows. I work for Chairman Dodge.
Power and Industry. How'd you get that job?
I used to serve under the other Congressman Johnson,
so I had the right experience.
Well, I hope you haven't been bothered by the pickets.
What pickets?
Did, did I let the cat out of the bag?
- Are we gonna be picketed? - Look, you've got to promise...
not to say where you heard this from.
- Not even my congressman knows. - I promise.
Okay. My boyfriend works at the Rainbow Coalition,
and he said...
Congressman Johnson's office. Chairman Dodge?
Yes. Okay.
That was Dodge. He wants to see you pronto.
So we still haven't lost our touch.
Asi.
He should be back in a moment, Congressman Johnson.
They're here now.
- We haven't met. Eli Hawkins. - How ya doin'?
Brother Eli. Yeah. All right.
- All right. Thomas Johnson. - Yes, I know. The Florida upset.
Now that you're here, what are you gonna do with it?
You gonna feather your own nest, or are you gonna make something of your office?
Hey, I'm gonna be as good a congressmen as anybody else up here, all right?
Exactly what does that mean?
Well, ever since I got back from, from 'Nam...
I personally wanna do something about the rain forests.
Well, do me a favor. Don't tell me. I've just had my lunch.
Eli, you're gonna have to excuse us. Thomas and I are late for a meeting. Come on in.
What's his problem?
Mr. Chairman, I have been meaning to ask your advice about something.
I'm always available to a young man from my state.
Great. It's about committee assignments.
Now that's interesting. That's just the thing I had in mind. Go ahead.
For the last two days, I have been getting approached...
by a bunch of chairmen from different committees.
I've been approached by the people from Foreign Affairs.
I've been approached by the people from Ways and Means and Armed Services.
They all want me on their committees and I don't know why.
- I'll be damned! - You can understand my dilemma, 'cause it's like,
with Foreign Affairs, you get to fly off to Paris whenever you want.
With Armed Services, they got bases all over the globe.
Son, are you familiar with my committee? Power and Industry?
Yeah. But, it's not as well known as these other committees.
Well, maybe not, but you've been very frank with me.
I'm gonna be extremely frank with you.
These other committees, they're nickel-and-dime stuff.
Power and Industry, think of what we cover.
Energy, transportation, insurance, the environment.
Hell, son, there's no better committee on the Hill.
That is, if you're interested in fund-raising.
I am, very much. It's just that these other chairmen made pretty strong cases.
These other chairmen aren't from your home state.
They're not offering to take you under their wing.
- Look out for your future. - And you are?
Hell yes, I am.
Well, I'm very flattered, Mr. Chairman.
Dick.
- Well, I'm very flattered, Mr. Dick. - No, no, no, no.
- I'm sorry, Chairman Dick. - No, Dick. Just Dick.
- Dick. Just plain old Dick. - Yeah.
Fine. I know you don't get something for nothing. What do you want from me, Dick?
Well, son, I want an able lieutenant.
And I want you to smile for the cameras.
Skeeter, you know Thomas Johnson, the new member of the committee?
Thomas, this is Barclay Warburton.
- How are you, Barclay? - Skeeter, please.
- Been called that since boarding school. - Sorry, man.
- Cheers. - Yeah, cheers. Skeeter.
Thomas, please. Been called that since reform school.
This EPA oversight hearing of the committee on Power and Industry will come to order.
I would like to welcome our first witness,
the distinguished administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency.
But before I do, I would like to note that we have a new member joining us today.
The distinguished gentleman from Florida.
Congressman Johnson? Sir, can we get a shot, please?
- Thank you. - How am I doing?
Great. Great.
Well, Mike, enjoy those hors d'oeuvres.
Hi. My name is Miss Loretta, and I'd like it...
very much if you'd sign one of these little name tags.
That would be just nice.
It's an informal breakfast. You give us your point of view, we give you,
bacon and eggs plus a $2,000 honorarium.
For your favorite charity, of course.
The Thomas Jefferson Johnson Foundation.
Okay. An honorarium.
I like the way that sounds.
Excuse me. Nice to see you.
Excuse me a second.
- Hi. - Hello.
- How are you? Very nice to meet you, Miss Celia Kirby. - Good, thank you.
It's a extremely beautiful name for an extremely beautiful woman.
Well, my, that was very smooth.
You know, after about ten hours straight on my feet,
making small talk, breathing in that cheap cigar smoke,
that is exactly the kind of line I'm ready to fall for.
- Slow down, okay? - Sure.
Tell me, which one of these guys is Congressman Johnson?
- You're looking for the congressman? - Yes.
How would you feel if I told you I was the congressman? Aha!
- Duh! - I'm so sorry.
Would you give me two seconds to take my foot out of my mouth, please?
Take all the time you need. Can we start over again?
Yes, Celia Kirby, Legislative Director of Pro Bono.
Celia kirby from Pro Bono! Very nice to meet you.
- Yes. - Would you tell me something?
Are all the pro bonettes as fine as you?
Pro Bono is a public interest research and advocacy group.
I'd be delighted to brief you on our priorities this session.
Do you think, perhaps, I could call your A.A. and be put on your schedule?
- Call my A.A.? - Yes.
No, you don't have to call my A.A. Why don't we do this?
Why don't we, say now, go out to dinner? You can brief me at dinner.
I'd like an appointment, Congressman, not a date.
We could write it up as an appointment,
but we'll have, like, flowers and dinner,
a mandolin, and it'll be a "floral" appointment.
It was a pleasure to meet you, Congressman. I will be in touch with your staff.
There's one other thing. I'm particularly interested...
in hearing your view on extending the sexual harassment law to include congressmen.
I get it.
Can we turn the A.C. down, please?
Thank you.
I have a confession to make. I don't know very much about poultry.
But I do know people,
and I like you people. I really do.
And if you people come to me and you say to me...
that you have something to say important about poultry,
I'm gonna listen. Thank you very much.
Thank you for seeing us. We won't take up much of your time.
- This is Ira Schecter, our research director. - Hi, Ira, how are you?
This is Mr. Reinhardt. You remember him?
Come sit next to me and have this chitchat.
I've been dying to talk to you about these issues.
Sit, everybody, sit. Come on.
- All right. - We can take as long as we want.
Congressman, you do have several people waiting.
- No, no, they can wait. - They can wait.
What are you doing standing, Ira? Sit down, Ira!
Sure.
Well... These are issue papers.
This session we're targeting child safety,
auto insurance premiums and food additives.
Certainly, as the votes come up, you'll be hearing plenty from the other side.
We simply would like a fair shot at making our case too.
- Absolutely. - Absolutely.
Okay, now, let's talk about car insurance. What are you paying, Ira?
- Me? - Yes.
Well, I have an '82 Dodge Dart and,
I pay about $650 a year, or so.
Six hundred fifty dollars? Man, that's highway robbery.
A chop shop wouldn't give you more than 230 on a junker like that.
Or so I've heard.
Hey, look, I'm flying blind here.
What we need to do is for you to put together a little package.
Put a package together for me and we'll sit down.
We'll block aside two Saturday evenings and we can discuss it then.
Well, I don't see any problem with arranging that.
Once again, you've been more than generous with your time, Congressman.
What are you doin'? I clear my whole calendar and you're in and outta here in five minutes?
Look, sit down. We haven't discussed child safety yet.
Ira, sit. I'm gonna slap you. Sit. Come on, down. Sit down!
Let's finish talking. Let's talk about child safety now.
This is an important issue. Child safety.
Well, we are sponsoring a bill imposing safety standards on imported toys.
Great. I hate imported toys. Hate 'em.
I wish they didn't exist. Especially those little baseball men...
with the springs in their neck that do this. What is that? Fuck that, right?
- Fuck that. - Yeah, I hate that.
Why don't we do this? Like I said, put the package together.
We'll block aside a couple of Saturday evenings and we can discuss it...
- And you can take me through all the ins and outs. - "Ins and outs"?
I'd like to do more money for you,
but first I've got to get your positions on a few issues.
Now where are you on sugar price supports?
Sugar price supports.
- Where should I be, Terry? - Shit, it makes no difference to me.
If you're for 'em, I got money for you from my sugar producers in Louisiana and Hawaii.
If you're against 'em, I got money for you from the candy manufacturers.
- You pick. - Let's say... for.
Yeah, for. For.
How about putting limits on malpractice awards?
You tell me.
If you're for 'em, I got money from the doctors and insurance companies.
If you're against 'em, I got money from the trial lawyers.
- Let's put you down as against. - Yeah, you know what? Put me down for against.
How about pizza?
No, this salad is gonna be enough for me.
Not for lunch, old buddy. For PAC money.
You thought I was serious? I was fuckin' with you.
- Well, you are. You are! - Fuckin' with you. Duh!
Terry, tell me something.
With all this money comin' in from both sides,
how could anything possibly ever get done?
It doesn't. That's the genius of the system.
Hey, baby, put down nuclear power for ten G's.
Mambo!
Cool! Yeah, the congressman's gonna be out your way next week.
Mr. Willie? Congressman Johnson calling. Can you take his call?
Thank you. Please hold.
A-one, a-two...
Yes, Mr. Brown. - on the 30th.
We were wondering whether you aerospace people...
might want to lay on a luncheon so that you can hear his views.
I'm sorry, Mr. Willie. He just picked up another call.
I know why he was calling you. He hasn't heard from you about his fund-raiser.
A thousand dollars a head? A whole table!
Lovely. Yeah.
Well, now, what kind of a contribution to his foundation were you folks thinking about?
Now, we'll have a little huntin' in the morning,
little fishin' in the afternoon,
clean air, beautiful scenery.
All to work up a good appetite, 'cause we got a fine French chef...
back at the lodge flown in special.
That's very, very nice.
- You don't want anything from us? - We would enjoy the opportunity...
to share our views.
You see, we feel that the semiautomatic weapon's gotten a bad rap.
Now, the gun control nuts try to make out that they're for drug dealers only.
But, really, they're just guns for the ordinary sportsman.
Nothin' like a nice, warm Uzi.
Yee-hee!
Must have had a heart attack.
Aaah!
And according to the 1988 study, it showed eight per 100,000.
- Am I losing you on these mortality rates, Congressman? - No, not at all.
I was, I was just wondering how much of this is a statutory problem,
And how much of it is a regulatory one.
- Didn't the Merton Act cover most of this? - Excellent point.
Excellent point. Let me check something out.
Excuse me.
You're absolutely right.
Maybe we could get them to amend Merton.
Get 'em to amend it.
Yes!
Get 'em to amend it? Well, "For Merton to apply,
you have to show high contagion.
It sounds to me like your contagion... rates...
are no higher than the common clod."
"Cold." "Common cold."
Excuse me a second. Arthur!
What were we talking about?
How'd you wind up hustling for pro bono instead of pesticides anyway?
- 'Cause you could have been a big-time lawyer. - I was for a while.
- But it depressed me. - What could be depressing about makin' $100,000 a year?
- I know you gotta get sick of losin' all the time. - Of course I do.
Mainly it makes me angry, and the anger keeps me going.
Of course I'd like to win a few and I'm not allergic to money either.
- So why are you doin' it? - Hey.
It's so embarrassing to come right out and say why I do it.
- Why? - It's embarrassing for me to say.
- I just feel... - Stop! What?
Meaning!
My life has to mean something.
So now I have a question for you.
I'd like to know how you got named after a memorial.
My grandmother liked Jefferson. You know, "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."
You know, old black folks' thing.
There's a lot to live up to, so I kinda specialize in one portion of that.
That's the pursuit of happiness.
- And how's it going? - Um.
Honestly?
I was goin' real good 'til I met you.
Now, the better I do, the worse I feel.
Isn't that strange?
When can I see you again? Let's go to dinner Saturday night.
- How about Sunday morning? - Brunch?
The wages of sin is death!
And to the man who values gold over goodness,
the Lord allows no exemptions.
- Amen. - Amen.
And to the man who shows no respect...
for the privilege of walking this Earth,
the Lord allows no deductions.
- Amen. - And to the man whose pockets are bulging...
and whose soul is empty,
the Lord grants no 90-day extension.
And when the last trump sounds,
believe me, you will be audited.
This is a wonderful date.
Darling, I'm glad you could make it!
I love that sermon, Uncle Eli.
This is your uncle?
Yes, my niece tells me you're not half as slimy as I thought.
That puts you somewhere between a lizard and a toad. Quite a step up?
Thank you very much.
Forgive me for staring. I don't know how I missed the family resemblance.
She's you in a skirt.
... trailing by 13 as we begin the second half.
Yeah, I guess we're all bringin' our wives.
Al, you gonna bring your wife, ain't ya?
You bet.
I slipped.
- Ellie. - How ya doin', Thomas?
I need your help on the ethics bill, Leon.
- I want you to cosponsor my amendments. - You make a persuasive case, Eli.
But that wasn't a yes.
I promise to give it the attention it deserves.
- Better luck next time, son. - Yeah, man, you're so good. He's so good.
He took $600 off you that last hand, didn't he?
- He took a real shinin' to me. - If I didn't know any better,
I'd say you lost to him on purpose.
There's nothin' wrong with lettin' the head of the ethics committee...
roll ya every now and then.
You know, you're gonna fit in real good around here. Too good.
How come you never ask me to help you out with your amendments?
Come on, Thomas. Give it a rest.
Everybody knows you're Dick Dodge's boy.
Hey, man, I ain't nobody's boy, all right?
Don't waste your outrage on me. I know what ya are.
- I am no different than anybody else up here, okay? - That's not true.
You see, some people here actually do something besides saving their own ass.
You know, just then you reminded me of my father.
Did I really? How so?
He used to say I was a scumbag too.
Aren't you going to vote?
Is that what that means? You know, all this time I've been listenin' to that shit,
thinkin' it was time for Final Jeopardy or somethin'.
- Excuse me. - Excuse me, Congressman.
- I'm Mrs. Koslowski. - Hi, I'm leaving.
We were just learning how a bill becomes a law. Was that a vote?
Yes, that was a vote in there.
Yes, that was a vote. A vote was made. Bye-bye.
- And what did you vote? - I voted nay.
It was a terrible bill and it would have destroyed the fabric of American life.
What was the vote on?
Rafe!
Rafe, will you talk to these nice people. Explain to them about the vote.
Well, it was a motion on the previous question on the rule.
No, it was a motion on the recommitment...
of the rule of the motion of the previous question.
- Which means? - Clean air.
School lunches.
You see the difficult choices we have to make here, kids,
between clean air and school lunches, okay?
That's why I want to be the education congressman. See, 'cause I feel...
that American students should be able to eat lunch and breathe at the same time.
And I see an America where there's no such thing...
as a student who is below average.
And I think it is wrong when students have to stay up late at night...
and miss all the good shows doing homework.
Then get up early in the mornin' and go to school.
This sort of thing just is not fair.
- Good morning. May I help you? - Yes, I'm Ellen Juba.
- This is my daughter, Mickey. - Hi.
We'd like to see our congressman. We live in the district.
Just a moment, please.
Could you come out? Thank you.
Be right with you. I like your hat.
How do you do? I'm Miss Loretta, public liaison for the congressman.
Ellen Juba, my daughter, Mickey. We'd like to see him.
Y'all from the district? Up here seeing the sights?
How'd you folks like some gallery passes? Go listen to the great debates of our day.
We don't wanna go to the gallery. We wanna see Congressman Johnson.
Well, how about a house key ring? For each of you?
Here, see that? Isn't that something? Turns into a pen.
I don't think you understand. We're not tourists. We're constituents.
You're not with some organization, are you, honey?
I'm a goddamn citizen. Isn't that enough?
Do you have an appointment?
No, I do not have an appointment, because y'all keep givin' me the runaround.
Well, I'm sorry, but the congressman is a very busy man.
Now, if you'd like to discuss it with me, I will personally...
go over the issue with him and get a letter out to you.
We're not leaving here until we see him.
Armando, would you come out front? We have a situation.
You stop palming me off on your flunkies.
Are you gonna go in there and tell him we're out here...
or am I gonna go in there and tell him myself?
- Excuse me, may I help you, please? - Yes, you can.
- I would like to see my congressman, please. - He's not here today.
- I bet he is here. Excuse me. - No, no, please, lady.
- No, you just let me by! - No, don't push. Okay. Ya! Ya!
I am sick of this! I am fed up!
- I have every right! Let go of her! - Hey!
Baby.
Come on, Mama. Let's go.
Hey.
What happened to you?
The doctor says they got it all. I'm gonna be okay.
I was lucky, but, but there are others.
- What others? - Other kids. They call it a cancer cluster.
At first, none of us in the neighborhood wanted to believe it.
But then we all saw it.
For me, it was when the two-year-old across the street...
developed a brain tumor same as Mickey's.
the water, the air, dump sites.
Insects, you name it.
And then we realized it was starin' us right in the face.
- What? - Power lines.
High-voltage power lines.
The wires cause magnetic fields and the magnetic fields cause cancer,
especially in children.
I've never heard anything like that in my life.
Why don't you just come see for yourself?
This is Mickey's school?
It turns out a lot of schools are near power lines.
Land's cheap, so schools tend to buy it from the power companies.
We're nobody, Congressman. You're somebody.
We need your help.
Will you excuse me for a second? Come here.
- Is this real? - That depends on who you ask.
Some people say it's worse than asbestos or breast implants.
Others say it's coincidental.
Well, you. What do you say?
I think it's very suspicious that the White House would kill an EPA report...
saying that power lines probably cause cancer.
- They did that? - Yes.
Well, I gotta do somethin' to help these people.
Don't tell me you're actually developing a conscience.
God, I hope not. It'd be a fuckin' nuisance in Congress.
But if I were, what could I do to help them?
This goes beyond personal tragedy.
It goes to a public health hazard of unknown proportions.
It goes to the right of the ordinary people to know all the facts!
Yeah, people ought to know if the neighborhoods are killing them.
Amen, gentlemen.
Amen! And what a fine effort it is. I'm totally sympathetic.
Congressional hearings should be scheduled just as soon as possible.
The American people deserve no less.
we care.
Turn this way, please.
- Right here, sir. Great! - Over here.
Cheers.
You know, son, you're a real comer.
I wouldn't be a bit surprised if you ended up in the leadership.
I'll say this, if I were speaker,
I'd sleep better with you as a lieutenant.
Thank you very much, Mr. Chairman. I'm surprised to hear you say that.
'Cause I really honestly didn't think you was gonna go with me on this power lines thing.
- But I'm not. - But you said you're sympathetic.
Well, of course I did. We're all sympathetic to little girls with cancer.
But I'm not sympathetic to holding a public inquiry.
- You just said... - I know what I said.
But sound bites aren't sworn testimony.
Now look, son, it's great to get your name in the newspaper.
Let 'em know you care. Very smart move, Thomas.
But that's as far as I would go with this if I were you.
Yeah? Fine, fine.
No, no, no, send 'em in.
We've got some unexpected visitors.
- Hope you don't mind. - Hell, no.
Sure, great.
Mr. Chairman!
Olaf!
- Hello, Terry. - Evenin', Mr. Chairman.
Thanks for tak... Thomas!
They let you in here, you S.O.B.?
You folks finally gonna get to press flesh. Olaf!
Come and meet Thomas Johnson. Thomas, Olaf Andersen.
- Chairman, Gulf Coast Power. - Glad to meet ya, son.
They tell me you got a real talent for the game.
This is Zeke Bridges, CEO, Superior Mutual Insurance.
Som-bitch.
- You two know each other? - No, we haven't met.
But I know a great deal about the man.
We share a common interest in international affairs.
Swedish in particular.
Another Rolex. I collect these. Mine's a slightly older model.
Can I have a double bourbon, please?
It is very nice finally meeting you, Mr. Bridges.
Yes, it's nice to meet you, Congressman.
Thomas and I were just talkin' about, power lines.
Man, I think we oughta have those hearings.
Well, now look, Thomas, why don't we get, Olaf's take on this?
Well, it's tragic. Cancer's a terrible thing.
But there's no way you can link it to power lines.
- The truth is... - Wait a minute, there have been studies...
Every study that says one thing, I'll show you a study saying another.
We've studied this ourselves. Nada.
What if all you guys are wrong?
Thomas, do you want us to move the power lines?
You know how much it would cost to bury those things in Florida alone?
- We're talkin' $5 billion. - Not counting the liability claims.
How would you like the people in your district to think of you as the fellow...
who tripled their electric bill?
I just thought that if we had the hearings...
Think for a moment, chum. You hold your hearings.
Overnight, everyone who lives near a substation...
will find the value of his home in the toilet.
- You'll kill the real estate market. - You'll kill the insurance companies.
- You'll kill the school district. - You'll kill the local economy.
Son, system ain't perfect.
But the fleas come with the dog.
Maybe I should think about it?
Atta boy.
Thomas, on a completely different subject here.
You haven't set up a state PAC yet, have ya?
'Cause I'd be happy to start one off with a contribution of, say, 200,000.
No strings attached.
Natch.
- You were beautiful, Olaf. - No, you were beautiful, Dick.
- No, you were beautiful, Terry. - To the mutual aid society.
- Hey. - Hi.
So? Are the Jubas gonna testify?
When's the committee holding hearings?
Um, actually, I think the, the hearings might be postponed a little bit.
What's Dodge pulling now?
Nothin'. It's actually kinda good, 'cause now I get to, you know...
Get to round up some other members and get my ducks in a row and...
- You shafted me on the ethics bill! - Hey, Eli!
You just missed a good one. Wait a minute, that reminds me.
- Same two old men on a park bench... - It's a closed rule!
I can't get my amendments on the floor! I can't get a recorded vote.
I can't get squat!
This is not the rules committee. This is the steam room.
This is the U.S. Congress. The American people deserve better than this!
You know what your problem is, Eli? You've got "sermonitis."
Now, why don't you just relax? Have a massage.
I've got news for ya, Dick. I'm gonna run against you for speaker.
I'm gonna make this whole race boil down...
to whether we want a sleaze like you in the speaker's chair.
I'll bet ya $100 you don't get ten votes.
I'm gonna be your shadow, Dick.
Every member ya strong-arm, every reporter ya background,
every talk show ya go on, I'll be there.
Five votes! Nobody likes to hear a sermon.
I may not have a rat's ass of a chance to beat you,
but I sure as hell can let the world know...
what you stand for.
I went too far with him. I know it.
- Now you know him pretty well, don't you? - I wouldn't say I knew him well.
Come on, Thomas, you're seein' his niece.
- Hell, you've been out to his damn church. - How do you know that?
Because I keep my ear to the ground.
Now, Thomas, he'll listen to you.
I want you to go make the peace between us.
Tell him we'll work something out with his amendments.
Not a vote, I won't go that far. But at least he'll get to say his peace from the floor.
Just get him off of my back.
- Another round? - Yeah, why not?
To the honorable Dick Dodge.
Hey.
By the time I'm finished with him, he won't be speaker.
He'll be lucky if they don't indict him.
Eli, people do things that they regret, man. People make mistakes.
- Dick's been under a lot of pressure lately. - Come on!
Thomas, you're Dick Dodge's yes-man.
I am not a yes-man. When Dick says no, I say no.
I know what you're up to. He's scared and this is damage control.
Yeah, well, you know what? This town...
It isn't about passin' laws anymore.
It isn't about doing good anymore.
All it's about... is bein' here.
Well, as I live and breathe.
- Hey, cuz. - Hey.
I'm sorry. This is Miss Loretta Hicks from my staff.
- This is Congressman Hawkins. - Pleasure to meet you.
Would you like a drink?
You know, you two look like you could use a designated driver.
- Good samaritan. - Praise 'em.
Number 22, I got a pickup at the Regency,
going to National.
You want a girlfriend?
Eighteen, Union Station.
Shit!
Shit.
Yeah, I need an ambulance right away.
Hello?
It's somebody called Thomas Johnson.
- What's wrong? - I went out with Hawkins.
We got in an accident. He's out cold. I'm okay though.
- Were you driving? - No, it was Miss Loretta.
- The girl from your office? - Yeah. Hey, look, man.
I don't like the way this looks for anybody, okay?
You said you wanted to get back in Hawkins' good graces. This is your opportunity.
All right. Now you listen to me very carefully.
I want you to tell the ambulance to take you to Walter Reed Hospital.
It's a privilege they extend to congressmen. They'll keep it quiet.
I'll handle the police and you go home. Keep your mouth shut.
What? What? What?
Hello? Hello? Mr... . Mr... . Mr. Chairman?
Um, um, um, no, no, no, no, sir.
No, no, I'm, I'm, I'm a night owl.
Um...
My God, is, is he all right?
G-Good, good, good. Um, and, and Eli and Loretta?
That's brilliant, Mr. Chairman.
No, I'll call the morning shows and leak the information. They'll eat it up.
At the top of the news, Maryland Congressman Elijah Hawkins...
is in satisfactory condition at Walter Reed Hospital...
after an overnight accident in the district.
That's right, Laura. Hawkins reportedly had alcohol in his blood.
Also slightly injured was an unidentified woman whom police say...
is linked to a phone-sex operation in Florida.
- Shit. - Linda, Congressman Hawkins?
That's Reverend Hawkins, isn't it?
Right you are, Laura. And how this plays into his longstanding campaign...
to reform congressional ethics is now anyone's guess.
I'm trying to find Reverend Eli Hawkins.
Let me check for you.
Yes, he's right around the corner there.
Stay away from him. Stay away from me too.
- Celia, listen, we were set up. - We were set up?
You were in the car. I didn't hear your name mentioned on the news.
- Somethin' stinks here. - It sure does, and guess who it is, Thomas?
You don't give a damn about anything, do you?
To think the other night I actually thought you cared...
- About somebody other than yourself. - You know how I feel about...
Not me! You jerk! Mickey Juba.
You caved on the power lines, didn't you?
Don't even answer because I know you did. What'd you get for it?
- Are you gonna let me talk? - Get the hell outta here.
Get out!
Hattie! Hattie Rifkin?
- Rifkeleh! - Don't rifkeleh me, you momzer!
- What the hell do you want? - Hattie, I wanna talk to you.
I've heard that before, Mr. Name-You-Know.
Hattie, I know you got me elected and I forgot your name in the mornin'. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, but I really, really, really... I really need you.
So talk.
Why are we meetin' here, Thomas?
Trouble at the office?
Well, Dodge says he keeps his ear to the ground.
But I know that's bullshit. He has an inside man.
- Reinhardt? - Yes.
- Let's whack him. - Hey, this ain't Scarface, all right?
You got a plan?
Big con. Dick Dodge is the mark.
- Dick Dodge? - Aren't we getting out of our league here, man?
This guy's been doin' the big con for over 30 years.
Cuz, these politicians,
these are some serious slick fish.
Wait a second. Is everybody goin' soft here all of a sudden?
Are you all a bunch of fuckin' incumbents now?
Listen, Thursday, Dick Dodge is at the arts caucus, all right?
I need to know how long it takes to get from there to the EPA building.
All right, Armando? Okay, now.
Loretta, get some information on the EPA and give that to the roper.
I got a list of equipment I want you to go get.
- Crazy, baby. - Hey.
Don't we need a new roper? I mean, hey, look, everybody around here knows our faces.
Speak of the devil.
- My man! - What up, T?
- Homer! - What's up?
Hey, Dick. Eli Hawkins got his tail...
- Caught in a crack? - He did.
- And you kept my name out of it? - I did.
- So I owe you? - You do.
This hearing of the committee on Power and Industry will come to order.
The health of America's insurance industry...
Hey, come here. Somethin' came up. I got a call from an EPA guy.
Said he heard how fast I bailed on the power lines.
He's got something really hot for me.
He wants to meet me outta the office, after business hours, like tonight.
Mr. Whitney?
You said you'd be alone.
What is he doin' here? What is he, a cop?
You wearin' a wire? You wearin' a goddamn wire?
Relax, Mr. Whitney, I'm not wired.
Yeah?
Well, let's see.
I know you got it. I just gotta find it, that's all.
- Get your hands off me! - Hey, man, I told ya he's okay.
He's not wired. Look. He has no wire here.
No wire. You can trust him. Look at this guy.
He's got fire engines on his drawers. This is a good man. Now cool it. Just relax.
Is this gonna be something we can use?
Your friends at the power company would be very interested.
- Talk to me. - All right.
The White House is putting heat on the EPA.
Now we're gonna announce a major investigation...
on the relation between power lines and cancer clusters.
Mrs. Dodge, it's Arthur Reinhardt. May I please speak to the chairman?
Mr. Andersen? Mr. Bridges is on one.
Zeke! How in the hell are ya?
I'm madder than a baptist in a brothel, you som-bitch!
Olaf! You hear about this EPA bullshit? Why, it could ruin Gulf Coast Power!
They're goin' ahead with this goddamn power lines investigation.
I thought we had this settled. They don't have any proof.
They ain't lookin' for proof! They're lookin' for dinner and we're it!
I tell ya, I'm about as crazy as a dog in a hubcap factory.
Shit.
All right, Zeke.
Zeke, I'm goin' up to D.C. for the clean air hearings anyway.
I'll talk to Dodge.
- Ya got a second? - Yeah.
Okay, I heard something. And I know there's some business in it.
- I'm listening. - EPA, launching a big investigation on power lines.
- They're gettin' a lot of pressure from the White House. - That's very interesting.
I heard the same thing.
- Nothing gets by you, does it? - Not much.
But thank you, son. I appreciate your sharing that with me.
Okay, so, there's probably something in it for us.
Thomas, if we got the EPA off Olaf Andersen's back,
he'd be extremely appreciative.
- So... how do we go about doin' that? - My committee.
We audit their funding. Hell, I got him by the balls.
- So you're just gonna rip their balls o... - No, no, no.
Thomas, persuasion.
- Strenuous persuasion. - Now, that's allowed.
Persuasion, yes. Intimidation, no.
But... it's a gray area.
Who's to say which is which?
Persuasion. You can't rip 'em out. You have to persuade 'em out.
Hey, Dick, is there somebody you can call to make sure...
the EPA's really doing the investigation?
- Of course. He oughta be in by now. - Who?
Skeeter Warburton, of course. Always go straight to the top, son.
A little outta my league, Dick.
Hey.
Watch it.
Let's go!
Congressman Dodge?
Mrs. Rifkin from the...
Silver Foxes. You remember,
America's second-largest seniors' organization...
with members in every district in Florida, including yours.
Yes, of course. It's a marvelous organization, just marvelous.
- Well, it's always a pleasure to see... - I need to talk to you.
Yes, I'd like that very much, but right now I'm in a rush to get back to my office.
- You call for an appointment. We'll get together... - This won't take a second.
- Could I just walk ya to your office? - Well...
- That'd be fine. - Good.
If the FDA would just agree to look at the new support hose,
we'd feel like we made some progress.
Indeed, you know, Mrs. Rifkin, I'm always so excited to hear your views,
but really, dear, I've got to run.
So run, who's keeping you?
So don't be a stranger. Keep in touch.
Kimberly, can you get me Skeeter Warburton on the phone, please?
Right away, Chairman Dodge.
- Sweep for radon? - Radon? I'm sorry, l...
I don't recall.
Do you have a work order?
No, Supervisor said...
Supervisor said ain't supposed to be no paperwork on this...
'cause something about y'all killed some radon study.
Well, we did delete a few minor budget items.
Hey, how's it gonna look to the other people...
if they find out I swept your office for radon, didn't do everybody else's?
- How that gonna look, Mr. Warburton? - Point taken. Go right ahead.
You better step outside. I gotta spray some nasty shit. Look at that.
Brenda? I'm stepping out for a few minutes.
Yeah, Brenda, don't come in here, 'cause you may get some of this shit on ya.
Brenda, I've changed my mind.
- I'm expecting a call from... - Mr. Warburton, Chairman Dodge is on line two.
Speak of the devil. Put him through.
Afternoon, Mr. Chairman. Skeeter here.
I need a straight answer from you, Skeeter.
Is the White House on your back about power lines?
- Are we off the record, Mr. Chairman? - Of course.
I had hoped to go up to Hyannis Port this weekend to spend time with Tish...
and do some sailing, but I don't think I'm going to be able to because I'm...
spending a lot of time in the office writing testimony to your committee on cancer clusters.
Well, l, appreciate your candor, Skeeter.
- Anything to be of help, Mr. Chairman. - Bye.
Take off for the rest of the week, please, Brenda.
I don't see how I can help ya on this one.
This is the EPA. This is the president.
- This is my lifeblood. - Olaf, I see that. I see that.
But in this town you've gotta pick your fights.
This could mean six figures, Dick.
High six figures.
Seven figures?
I suppose a million dollars isn't too much to insure against losin' five billion.
- Now you're talkin'. - But how can I funnel this kind of money to you?
If that's what you want, we can find a loophole. No one will see your fingerprints.
- No one will know? - No one will know.
Olaf's just making a contribution as a patriotic citizen.
- And in return for that, he's getting... - Good government!
Exactly! Little access, that's all.
Yes, I'm callin' from Chairman Dodge's office on the Hill.
We wanted to be sure CNN was sending a crew to the clean air hearings today.
No, not the new emission standards.
We're breaking news. This is the biggest thing since the check bouncing scandal.
This is Cynthia Leeson from the White House press office.
My boss just wanted me to call you folks and let you know we're going to be making...
a very important announcement today at the clean air hearings.
No, I'm sorry, I can't tell you that, but it's hot.
If the New York Times wants to be the only paper in town to miss out...
on the biggest story of the year, that's just up to y'all.
Hurry up, get into your seats. Come on, you guys.
It's gonna be a great day. Molly, next to Harry.
- Let's sit here. - What, in the back?
- Just sit down, will you? - All right.
- How's everything? - Great.
You know what would be a wonderful way for us to start?
With me congratulating you on what a wonderful job you've been doing on the committee.
And really show our appreciation especially on behalf of the minority community.
Well, I appreciate that, son. Thank you very much.
I'm cutting out of here early.
Don't wanna run into him?
This is a mistake. I never should have come.
I'm surprised, well, delighted by the media turnout today.
- I had no idea that clean air was such a good issue. - Yeah, isn't it somethin'?
This meeting of the Power and Industry Committee...
to consider the reauthorization of the clean air act is now in session.
Today's first business is a panel of national leaders...
in the field of utilities, but before I welcome them,
the chair would like to yield to the distinguished gentleman from Florida.
Thank you, Mr. Chairman. I'd like to make a very personal statement, Mr. Chairman.
I would like to start off by saying thank you from the bottom of my heart,
thank you for your leadership and for your vision.
But most of all I'd like to thank you for your courage.
Especially for your courage.
- My courage? - Yes, sir, your courage...
in exposing the corruption that eats away at this institution.
Your courage in taking on the special interests...
and your courage in taking a major new step.
But l-I've done nothing new.
Nothing at all. What are you talking about?
This is true! Because integrity is nothing new to you, Mr. Chairman.
Integrity is second nature to this man.
But still it's a rare public servant who'll take on the PACs...
and the lobbyists and the fat cats...
and side with the American family who just want to live in safe neighborhoods...
and send their kids off to safe schools.
Well, I thank the gentleman, but we really must move along. If the gentleman would...
Ladies and gentlemen, yesterday,
I had a meeting with the chairman...
in his office with Mr. Olaf Andersen...
of Gulf Coast Power, and his lobbyist, Mr. Terry Corrigan.
I thank the gentleman! But we really must move along!
The subject of this meeting...
was the possible EPA investigation on power lines...
and the connection between them and increased cancer risks.
Gentleman's out of order.
Now what makes this meeting different...
from most of the other meetings that take place in Washington...
was that the American people were actually represented...
in the form of this.
At Chairman Dodge's suggestion,
I videotaped the entire meeting!
Don't ya love that?
Isn't that somethin'? Dick Dodge! Isn't he somethin' special?
Don't you love this man?
- Gentleman is out of order. - Dodge double-crossed us.
- You're fired. - Don't ya love this chairman?
Gentleman is out of order!
See, he's brought dignity back to the name Dick. No longer is it tricky.
Come on, Dick is good! Dick is good!
- Turn off his microphone! - Chairman Dodge!
This is neither the time nor the place for these matters.
But you may rest assured that the committee...
will investigate them thoroughly.
Now, we're gonna take a 15-minute recess.
Dick, you crazy son of a bitch, you know we planned this.
You stupid son of a bitch! You taped our conversation?
They are makin' 'em kinda small nowadays.
You bastard! You two bastards!
You think you're gonna hang me out to dry? Bullshit!
If I go down, you go down, Dick Dodge!
Say, do you remember that little $300,000 you squeezed outta me...
for your voter registration scam?
What the hell was that? Just water under the bridge.
What about the $200,000 for your phony foundation?
- Or the bundled checks my executive put in your pocket? - Okay, now.
- Olaf. - No, no, I trusted you, Dick. I gave you my condo in Vail.
- I gave you my corporate jet to fly all over the... - All right...
I bought 10,000 copies of your boring, dull-ass autobiography!
I put up scholarships to send your kids through college.
I even hired your goddamn color-blind wife to redecorate my office.
- Olaf! Jesus! Sit down! - What are you doin'?
- I'm tryin' to tell you, I didn't have a goddamn thing to do with this! - You shittin' me?
No, no, no, no! Think! Think!
I know you got me by the short and curlies.
What the hell would I have to gain by sellin' you out?
I had no idea that slime bag was tapin' us.
Excuse me. Dick?
Lighten up on the slime bag,
What's your game, Thomas? Shakedown?
Yeah, it's a shakedown. All right?
And unless you wanna see this...
all over CNN, you're gonna pay my price.
First, I want you to call Skeeter Warburton.
I want you to tell him to launch an investigation on power lines.
- Wha... - There's more.
I want you to resign. You can tell people it's for health reasons.
Most of us will believe that 'cause we've seen you in the steam room.
Why the hell are you doin' this?
I am doing this for Mickey Juba and I'm doin' this for Celia Kirby and I'm doin' this...
for my grandmother and about a million other people you wouldn't give a shit about.
Who?
- Do we have a deal or not? - Well, I guess that...
depends entirely on what's on that tape, doesn't it?
You know what's on this tape. This is America's sleaziest home video.
Fuck that. Let's see what you really got on that tape.
- This is just a copy! - Give me that!
Yo, man, it's just a copy.
Maria, my hot-blooded Spanish friend.
Babette, zee Parisian pussycat, and many others.
- So call the Girls of Many Nations. - It's a bluff.
- At 1-900-555... - It's a stinking, cheap-ass bluff.
NATO.
But the question is, can we get the shit back into the horse?
Why not? He never made any specific charges.
So what do we do when we go back in the hearing?
Leave that to me. You just walk back in there lookin' dignified.
- Dignified. - And you!
You better be very, very quiet in there, my friend.
I got the goods on you, and it would be my pleasure to leave tire marks all over you.
- Like you did Hawkins? - Not even close.
So unless you wanna spend the next 20 years in prison,
you keep your mouth shut.
Now, do we understand each other here?
Yeah, we understand each other.
All right, let's do it.
All right, folks, step back, please. Come on.
Clear the hallway now. Give 'em some room.
Chairman Dodge!
Get that thing outta my face!
What is on that tape?
- Come on, let's go in there! - Go!
By the way, Dick, I didn't mean that about your wife.
I think she's great.
Thank you, Kimberly.
These hearings are now reconvened.
- Without going into details, - No problem, no problem.
I would like to make a comment on the...
unfortunate incident that we all just witnessed.
Now, this body... Well, indeed our whole...
system of government is imperfect.
It's imperfect because it depends on people.
Human beings who make mistakes, act in haste,
misinterpret things...
Yeah, and do things like buy 10,000 copies of your autobiography.
Which by the way is not a crime, unless you make people read it.
Damn it, sir, you are out of order.
Hey, hey, hey! Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey!
To hell with order. The truth is gonna come out here today, all right?
All right! You want the truth?
Here's the truth, Congressman.
The man you see before you is nothing but a common criminal.
He got into this House through fraud! Now!
You want more truth, Congressman? Here's your rap sheet.
Arrest for bookmaking, cardsharping,
con games, mail fraud.
You know, I had hoped to avoid damaging this noble institution.
But I can see that you have no respect for this institution or for anything else.
There! I dare you to respond.
Yeah, this is me. Can't deny it.
Can't deny anything on here. I did all of this.
Except for this thing. This woman got her shoes back. This woman here.
But everything else on this list is real. I did it, don't deny it.
But all of this is nothing...
compared to the shit I pulled off right here in Washington.
And everything I did in this town would be considered legit.
Now that is enough! Have you no shame, Mr. Johnson?
Do you deny that just five minutes ago you attempted to impugn the integrity...
- Of this committee... - You son-of-a-bitch!
- You taped our conversation! - From a highly-respected...
You two bastards! You think you can hang me out to dry?
Bullshit! If I go down, you go down, Dick Dodge!
Hey, you remember that $300,000 you squeezed outta me...
for that phony voter registration scam?
What about the $200,000 for that phony foundation?
Or those bundle of checks my executive put in your pocket.
- Olaf! Look! - I trusted you! I trusted you!
I gave you my condo in Vail. I let you fly my corporate jet.
No, I even bought 10,000 copies of your boring, dull-ass autobiography.
- Olaf! Sit down! I'm tryin' to tell ya somethin'. - What? What?
I didn't have a goddamn thing to do with this!
- Bullshit! - Olaf! Think!
- Order! Order! - You...
Clear the room! Clear the goddamn room!
I want order! I will have order!
Come on, let's hear it for ex-chairman Dodge!
- Come on! Put your hands together! - Yes!
Let's hear it for the retiring chairman!
You can do much better than that! This man is going to jail.
Give him a big round of applause! Come on!
Go write a new book!
- Hey! Hey! - Thomas!
Thomas! What the hell are you doing? We're all gonna go to jail!
You son of a bitch!
Look what you did to your man. Look what you did!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Yeah, you almost got your ass whipped just then.
Hold him really tight, hold him. I want to get some good pictures while he's got color in his cheeks.
Now, smile for the cameras, Dick. How am I doin'?
- That's it. - Thank you. - Smile, please.
So how does it feel being a national hero?
Terrible. Everybody knows my face now.
I'm finished in the line of business I was in.
Can't exactly go into 7-Eleven and pass bad checks anymore, you know.
- So what are you gonna do? - Well, I got a full head of hair.
A famous face and pretty good bullshit.
- There's only one thing I can do. - Congress is gonna throw you out.
Yeah, but I'm gonna run for president.